Door opens, foot-steps… Adjusts Mic… Clears Throat(Baba Blue in action) 
. wait for it….wait for it… Sup Niguuuuuhz! 
You were expecting something epic shey? it aint too late jor! Lemme start by apologizing to my loyal readers, fans and groupies (Yes! i have groupies 
) for my long absence, i didnt go anywhere but i havn’t been around either. I’ve been too stressed to come give you your weekly dose of the good ish . Ok have a shot*psheeeu!* there you go. Feel better? I bet you do
This is not your typical blog post. You know why?, because I SAID SO! *thunderclap* Ok seriously this is like a speech to the FAF(Fresh and Foolish) students welcoming them to the prestigious University Of Lagos! And my fellow staylites, reminding them the nightmare has started all over again.
To the Freshers/Jambites/Savuris Welcome to the realm of “Surprise” lmfao! Yup! I bet you so happy you finally got your admission. Some of you are the fortunate/connected ones who just got in straight from secondary school, others are the ones with bear-bear wey suppose don dey plan for Masters(M.Sc) buh as far as im concerned una be one!(Lion King theme “WE ARE ONE” playing in the background).
From the happiness, restlessness, itch to start lectures, ENJOYING the order of things; going home and telling your friends that unilag is so organized, no rush everybody queues. Unilag boys OT complete unto fashion levels and unilag girls yansh palateous die!…
……….(fast forward to 2months) ………
To the frustration of going back and forth DLI everyday (science peepz) sitting on dusty pavements to receive lectures cos no chairs. If nepa off light kperen! Only the first 20peepz will hear what lecturer’s sayn lol as if that’s not bad enough lecturers will start wearing “Talking Tees” to class with stuffs like: “I No Send You!”, “Na Me Bring You Come Lagos?”, “I Cant Shout!” some sef will wear “#IfIHear Say You Pass My Course!” on their Tees. I know staylites are already grumbling “he’s talking about those two devilsK” I sha didn’t mention names O:).
Another annoying thing you should get used to is very “smart” mumus reserving space for their friends. I mean you got 8am-10am lecture at DLI and you woke up early and got there 10minutes to 8. First you see DLI is filled up already then you notice what I call the Ratio 1:3. Ratio 1:3 is when “Hypothetically” the hall has 1200chairs and you see 400 students sitting down with 800 notebooks (1 person to 3 chairs)lol. You move and you are about to sit then you hear a voice “exsqueeze me someone is there” lmfao! Let’s say you be confirm mugu, you will say ok and stand. …8:30 the pesin never come… then 9am the girl catwalks into class and calls her friend. She signals “here” she walks past you and sits and you realize she wasn’t even in school when you got there. In the wise line of T-Payne: YOU’V OFFICIALLY BEEN CHOPPED AND SCREWED!
Should I talk about the queues? I mean its cool things are done in a mature manner but when it will start pricking you is when “Badt Guys” will start breaking queues, pushing, the sweats and the chics grinding on you just cos they wanna be in the front of the queue. – I particularly enjoy the grinding part, that’s why I never forget to wear my “GAP” pant
Ok unilag boys fashion ehn! Its so cool cos in school every guy you see is looking #HomoMuch and you feel you’ve got to blend in so you buy the tight ass jeans, jeggins and bum-shorts of different colours and you feel you got the #UnilagBoysSwag ode! Wear those same clothes in your pako area weda agbero no go rape you! Anuofia!
Unilag Yansh Your first few weeks will be confusing and pukecious! At first these yanshes are cool, you see a confirm sexy chic wearing some tight ass nets and you just feel like grabbing that ass then you notice the yanshes are like germs! ”They’re Everywhere! #Dettol” that’s not the bad part. The bad part iz when you start seeing girls with two left legs in jeggins(pukes) lets not forget them chics walking around feeling sexy and you feeling them too till you notice the right butt-cheek is twice as big as the left. Lmfao! I know %80 of em guys are right handed buh them ladies should try date left handed guys at least to maintain balance on their yanshes na. In a couple of years left handed dudes will be in high demand.(#NowReading Being left handed for Dummies)
Another thing I noticed in unilag generally is guys balling. You see them rocking Latest snapbacks,watches,TODS,Ama Kip Kip,Superman,Batman and UnilagOlodo tees and you feel wow unilag boys are rich mehn! The girls be tripping and opening teeth like mumu wey don catch mugu. Ogbeni carry ya ashawo levels come we big boys corner jor . These dudes ball outside buh when you enter their hostel they only have Garri and Raw Rice in their lockers, instead of buying ingredients with their pocket money they’d take you to Red Brick, Mini Bites and Those ice cream trucks forming T.I – ”you can have whatever you like” later they’d enter hostel and start begging for Sugar,Maggi and Salt smh. Is that LIFE!!!!??????….. it gets them laid tho and I guess that’s all that matters :/
One more thing is the issue of “Twitter Celebs” so cos you signed up on twitter in 2009 and you got thousands following you, you start feeling epic with your “copy and paste” tweets and unfollow %90 of your followers. The mumus too will start replying your tweets with #DEEEEEEEP #WORD nsturvz. Some will even be willing to pay 5k to follow you(Nah u aint Odina ) lolz
The funny part is some will photoshop their avatar, borrow their friend’s blings and clothes just to look like they balling and you’d just be trippin’ but when you see them in person you’d walk past them and start thinking…” hmmm she looks familiar, nah @blablabla is very cute, no pimples and wears only designers” “is that him? Maybe he just felt like looking tattered today… I fink it’s the new swag”
What’s the problem with looking natural? Looking the way you can afford instead of borrowing, taking loans and joining Cliques just to look like what you ain’t. Why cant everybody be like me? I wear what I have… Been rocking my plimsols since 1st semester and nobody don arrest me. I see these new shoes but when una no gree pay me my money wetin I go do na? Does that mean I don’t get laid? Ask you babe and she go tell you as e dey go
There’ll definitely be a part2 of this post later for staylites and more of the sturvz I didn’t talk about. Y’all can drop your comments below. Tell me if you think I’m just saying rubbish and tell me what you wanna see on the part2. Send your bits and I’d post em.